Seltsame Soda !

Spring is here and we have another installment in the "long awaited" series of weird soda reviews. Your mouth is dry so let it be moistened with the cola flavored brew from the Sprecher Brewing company. Tonight's unique soda is the wonderfully titled Puma Kola. Enjoy!

Puma Kola

Description: An all natural “gourmet soda” that is fire-brewed in a gas-fueled kettle for “distinctive flavor and character.” A semi-healthy alternative to mainstream colas featuring a cute yet surprised looking black puma with big fangs. Yes and you too dear drinker will be surprised by the weird jungle bite of this drink.

Fun Facts: This soda features kola extract, real vanilla, pure honey, yucca extract and a pinch of cinnamon. Unfortunately it also has high fructose corn syrup, which is known, around these parts as giving you “el grande liver.” That said yucca extract is reputed to have some health benefits ranging from hair growth to relieving sore muscles. Who knew?

The Gist: Fancypants soda that offers you better ingredients than your average soda.

The Smell: Like a sweet but oh so slightly medicinal version of Coke.

The Taste: The initial reaction is cola but that is immediately followed by a partially potent sweet aftertaste. But it’s a thick kind of sweet, not unlike you get with artificial sweeteners though thankfully not as foul.

Overall: It’s all right and gets the job done if you are looking for a cola with a slight bite to it. Honestly, I didn’t care for the aftertaste and if I were going to go the Fructose route I would rather have a bottle of Bawls or a good old-fashioned coke.

2 ½ Worried looking Pumas out of 5

Death to False Vampires!

I’m a firm believer that one of the most pressing matters in our society today is the pussification of..well….everything. Playgrounds are totally kid-proofed, so gone are the days of big metal slides and swingsets, yet in a swift move of retardation, a lot of them have kept those wood chips that are fantastic for nasty splinters and eye gougings. But hey, at least you won’t have a bruised knee! Mainstream creative culture is massively guilty of this and no creature has been hit harder than the vampire.

Bela Lugosi in Tod Browning's 1931 classic, "Dracula."

The mythology and belief in the vampire, in all of its assorted forms, is ancient. In fact, the Greeks believed that having red hair was a symptom of vampirism. (Yes, we ginges have been discriminated against for a longass time.) The Lamia were believed to be women who wore snake skin and were used as a threat by parents to keep their kids in check. The lamia are even connected to Lilith, who was believed to be the biblical Adam’s first wife who was run off because of her unwillingness to submit to him. The Ewe people in West Africa believed that vampires could take the form of fireflies and specifically prey on their young. Now, is anyone going to use some glittery, metrosexual dandy to scare their hell spawn into cleaning their room? Hell no!

How did these creatures of the night go from being baby eating, blood slurping, vein eating, fanged, hideous monsters to Teen Beat fodder? While Twilight (2008) might seem like the obvious example, the direct root lies more with Anne Rice’s group of beautiful and tragic creatures. But at least Rice’s vampires had literal fangs and were halfway complex creatures capable of real villainy. (Except for Louis, who was a bonafide pussy that should have jumped into the sun before the second book was even published.) The vampire with human type fragility has popped up in great movies (Herzog’s 1978 remake of Murnau’s classic Nosferatu), underrated TV series (Forever Knight) and entertaining, though highly flawed films (Coppola’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula.)

The main cast of the vastly underrated "Forever Knight."

Truth be told, any Twilight hater out there could also probably blame Joss Whedon and the success of his shows, Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel. Of course, this can get a bit like the bible. Todd Browning’s Dracula (1931) begat Terrence Fisher’s The Horror of Dracula (1958) which begat Dan Curtis’s Dark Shadows (1966) which begat Forever Knight (1989) which ultimately begat Angel (1999), who was begat by Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997). Yes, it can all make one’s head explode into a sanguine froth, but the creative arts in general are like this.

But you know who truly is to blame? It’s not Rice or Whedon, especially since both have done some good work and are capable of talent. It’s not even Stephenie Meyer, the creator of the Twilight books. Heck, seeing people, certainly kids, getting excited about reading is reassuring and gives writers like myself some hope. No, it’s the one-two punch of public demand and the major studios. The public needs to demand vampires with fangs and balls. If you want great cinema in general, then demand it because money talks. And for my money, one of the best vampire films in the past 20 years was the underrated Subspecies (1991).

Radu was charismatic and ghoulish. He had a heart but he also delighted in such wonderful activities as staking his own brother and then drinking his blood as it spurted out of his quickly decaying chest. Now that is a proper vampiric protaganist! Not to mention his striking physical appearance, with the long, spindly claw-like fingers of Nosferatu and the skin color and lanky hair of someone who has been in an eternal stasis of rot. It’s been noted that the hair and nails continue to grow post mortem, which is the visual effect you get with Radu. Having a highly talented Dutch actor in the form of Anders Hove doesn’t hurt any and he is able to give the monster a human side without sacrificing any of his nightmarish qualities, which is exactly how it should be.

Of course in this era of severe media retardation, ghouls don’t really sell that well to the libidos of adolescent girls or middle-aged women. Radu didn’t have six-pack abs nor was he some kind of sad panda-faced dandy. You can couple that with the character being in a low budget, independent film and it’s no surprise that people do not mention the name Radu next to wimps like Louis or any of the Twilight twinks. All that said, the Subspecies series does not get enough love. The first three films are highly recommended and really managed to blend the gothic imagery of the classics of vampire cinema with an old European world approach to the undead.

Radu, the main anti-hero from Full Moon's Subspecies series.

Which brings me to the aforementioned Bram Stoker’s Dracula. On one hand, it is visually lavish with one of the best cinematic scores courtesy of Polish composer Wojciech Kilar. Half of the cast are terrific, especially Tom Waits as the best Renfield this side of Dwight Frye and Klaus Kinski, the always dependable Richard E. Grant as Dr. Seward and Gary Oldman as the titular character. Despite the mention of Stoker in the title, this version is about as far removed from the classic piece of literature as the 1931 Lugosi film. Stoker was totally a creature of his environment and being a Victorian gentleman, the film’s romanticism and positive eroticism of the monster that is Dracula would have more than likely repelled him.

There is an underlying sensuality to the novel’s vampires, but it is a polluted one. Sexuality back then was something that was viewed as poisonous that if unbridled in any way could lead to disease and downfall. Some have theorized that the vampire is a metaphor for venereal disease and it is not a far out theory when dealing with this classic Victorian novel. Mina Harker is the prototype of the ideal Victorian woman, which makes Dracula attacking her all the more horrific, even if it is inadvertently dirty and sexual.

Coppola’s Mina is a winsome tart that is played horribly by Winona Ryder. She is to Mina what Kevin Costner was to Robin Hood. She looks lovely but was very ill suited acting ability wise for this character. This is especially obvious next to Sophie Ward’s Lucy, who is not only authentically British but actually has a natural warmth on screen. There’s nothing wrong with Mina having a sensuality to her but the problem is that Ryder is inherently an un-sexual performer. Peta Wilson had way more heat as a half-breed vampire version of Mina in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003) and was more compelling to boot. Ryder is just too bland and underdeveloped. Why would a guy like Dracula be excited by her? Jonathon Harker maybe, especially when he is played by the equally thespian challenged Keanu Reeves, but not some powerful, supernatural creature like Dracula.

Keanu would do anything for love but he won't do that.

Speaking of Reeves, the whole scene with him and the three oversexed vampire brides has moments of unintentional hilariousness, especially when he starts screaming. It’s eerily similar to one’s half-baked roommate finding out that their dog ate the rest of their stash.

One of the most annoying things about Coppola’s retelling, though, is the whole “love never dies” ploy. Granted the romanticism has garnered it a lot of fans and with better writing and a better lead actress, it could have really worked. Oldman is fantastic as this haunted creature that is still at heart a lonely man. In fact, while there are things I absolutely love about this movie, it is often frustrating because of the promise it holds and yet doesn’t automatically deliver. Plus Stoker’s name never should have been added to the title. Seeing a bad actor get his nipple licked was probably never on Stoker’s agenda for his masterwork.

Eileen Daly as vampire hitwoman Lilith Silver in the cult classic Razorblade Smile.

One 90’s era vampire film that did deliver all the goods in spades was Jake West’s Razorblade Smile. It’s a helluva lot of fun and manages to balance the gothic trappings of the myth while incorporating bits of wit and Hollywood action film style violence. Eileen Daly stars as Lilith Silver, a raven-haired beauty who is a sexy assassin with a brain who is constantly trying to stave off boredom, whether it is having bloody lesbian sex or bumping off members of the Illuminati.

To properly cover all the great, flawed and horrible vampire films out there, one would and many have, written books about it. The undead in cinema has made circular progressions; going from monster to sexy monster to sexy romantic monster and back to monster all over again. Whether it is the bloodthirsty and captivating creatures from True Blood to the boy band twinkleness of the Twilight films, it will be interesting to see what the cinematic landscape holds for one of the oldest mythological creatures.

Bonus! My Personal Top 10 Favorite Vampires Films*

1. Martin
2. Subspecies 1, 2, and 3 (tie)
3. Nosferatu (Murnau original)/Nosferatu (Herzog Remake) (tie)
4. Near Dark
5. Dracula (1931)
6. Blood for Dracula
7. Razorblade Smile
8. Blood and Donuts
9. Lips of Blood
10. Fright Night

The amazing John Amplas in one of the best films to have come out in the past 50 years, George Romero's Martin.

*My opinion is known to change according to mood, the position of the moon and how much my memory is willing to behave. Some honorary mentions should go to Taste of Blood, anything Franco has done, House of Dark Shadows, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Dance of the Damned, Love at First Bite (I actually had a crush on Arte Johnson as a kid because of this movie), Sundown: the Vampire in Retreat, The Return of the Vampire, Rockabilly Vampire among many others.

The infamous Project:Vampire. The cover would be cool if this was really bad early 90's porn, which is an insult to really bad early 90's porn. Ugh.

My Personal Top 7 Worst Vampires Films Ever or How I Stopped Worrying and tried to be more discriminating.

1. Project: Vampire
2. Dracula 2000 (Good basic story idea horribly raped and mutilated by lazy filmmaking. Plus why does Dracula like Monster Magnet? Wouldn’t he be more into something genuinely good and dark, like Christian Death or Bauhaus? Kiss my ass! TM Whitney Houston)
3. Witchcraft 7: Judgment Hour (Yes this is a vampire film and yes it is god-awful. It will make you hunger for the mise en scene of Night Eyes 2.
4. Blade
5. Queen of the Damned (Despite my snarking on dandies, I did enjoy “Interview with the Vampire” but this piece of simpy crap was terrible. Jonathon Davis??? Really??? Why did the production people hate Lestat that much?)
6. It’s a Troma film that I dare not type its name because just doing so could possibly send me into that spicy mix of anger and narcolepsy. Have you ever tried flipping off the TV while sinking into uncontrollable slumber? I don’t recommend it and I refuse to give them any publicity.
7. Subspecies 4 (While the first three are exceptional films, the fourth one is severely lacking with them neutering Radu and Ash, the Jonathon Morris character from Full Moon’s Vampire Journals (1997), being equally diminished. The crossover potential of characters was great but ended up being a huge let down.)

Open the New Year with a can of Whoop Ass!

Life can be a beautiful thing, especially when one can utter the phrase "opening a can of Whoop Ass" and mean it literally. Yes, in addition to covering fringe cinema and often overlooked music, I occasionally have dipped my toes in the fructose waters of strange soda reviews. So what better way to get things started then with the Jones soda product, Whoop Ass.





Description: An energy drink that features Taurine, Royal Jelly and the sinister sounding Inositol. (Sounds like something that gives you anal bleeding and sexual dysfunction, doesn’t?)

Also features a pretty kicky label design that is anime-esque, minus the 12-year-old girls being assaulted by lurid tentacles.


Fun Fact: Taurine is an amino acid like compound that helps absorb fat. It also has been related to congestive heart failure. Good times.

Royal jelly has been used to treat such ailments as asthma and Inositol has been connected to war crimes in the past 20th century. Fun fun!


The Gist: Apparently revitalizes attitude and Restores faith in mankind.


The Taste: Different.

The first second, it is almost sweet but then features the classic bitterness of energy drinks, which tends to taste like a combo of citric acid and a fairly potent cough drop. That said, Whoop Ass is a little more punchy and soda-like than say, Red Bull or that Sobe black can crap. The more I drink it, the more it reminds me of an alcoholic version of the bastard child of Fresca, Zima and an old Halls mint. Not that I have tried such a cocktail. No siree.


Overall: A tad bit disappointing, given the cool name and all. But it does feature a great design and has a nice energy kick, even for a hardened caffeine fiend like myself. While my attitude isn’t revitalized and my faith in humanity is still fairly shaky, I probably won’t sleep until four in the morning. Yay Whoop ass!



Rating: Three Caffeine-Induced Bouts of Insomnia out of Five


By the way, for the culinary curious out there, Whoop Ass is still in print and can be bought off the Jones Soda website.

Happy Holidays Friends and Fiends!!!

Here's to everyone who reads this having a great, peaceful and loving holiday. For those of you with dysfunctional family members, which is about 99% of us, remember that the good lord invented liquor for good reasons. So either way, curl up with a warm glass of something yummy, throw on some Martin Denny holiday music and embrace the fact that a new year is coming.

To keep the festive vibe going, here's my new favorite holiday song, courtesy of musician/drag artist/actress Jackie Beat with the soon-to-be-standard, "Santa's Baby." Enjoy and be safe everybody!

Films with Teeth and Schrapnel: Eurocrime Documentary Needs You!

Chances are, if you're reading this blog, you have a weakness for all things 70's and Italian. While a good amount of material has been devoted to the Italian horror genre, it's equal but different brother, the action film, has been sorely neglected.

The fine folks behind the upcoming Eurocrime: The Italian Cop and Gangster Films that Ruled the '70's are looking to change that. The film is in post-production and features a slew of great looking interviews with such genre stalwarts as John Saxon, Fred Williamson, Franco Nero, Joe Dallesandro, Chris Mitchum, and many more. There's one hitch though. They are needing some financial backers to help them flesh out the documentary with footage from the very films they are covering. Who wants to see a documentary about Modigliani without seeing any paintings? Exactly.

So if you would like to help out, just click here and learn how you can help get this documentary on a fantastic subgenre finished and released.

...And Now the Screeming Starts!!!

Yes, I know I've been a very bad blog momma lately. The struggle of balancing career writing, and the ever dreaded day job work was bigger than ever in October. I've been recovering from the aftermath, but hey, it's a new month with plenty of new projects on the horizons.

Want proof? I'd be more than happy to provide,




Exhibit A? The latest issue of the legendary Screem magazine, where you can find my reviews dealing with everything from the Cinema of Transgression to Aleister Crowley to even Al Adamson. (Trio of heroes right there.) Being in Screem is a big thing, since it was one of the very first film mags that helped form the demented cinema lover that I am today. It was their third issue, with the The Beast of Blood cover, that proved to be a huge bright spot in my other wise highly awkward and unhappy junior high girl existence. There was something about that big eyed ghoul beheading himself in stark blood red and cobalt blues that has burned into my brain forever. It was that issue that first turned me on to Something Weird Video and films like Bloodsucking Freaks. I actually used stills from the latter to illustrate our fictional family trees in my 9th grade French class, much to the icked out confusion of my teacher. (I should also mention that I also used a picture of Lydia Lunch for one of my Aunts.)

Over a decade later, the magazine is still going strong and features such strong, notable writers like Greg Goodsell (Angels in Distress) and Shane M. Dallmann, among many others. It's a real joy to be in this issue, featuring one of my all time favorite films, The Phantom of the Paradise. (In fact, I want you to go build a proper shrine to William "Winslow" Finley right now.

Anyways, feel free to pick up the latest Screem, ride the mindway, and keep watching this space for further bits of opinionated but factual bits of cultural esoteric grooviness.

The Strangeness in Me-An Overview of "Feast of Flesh"

In the Spirit of Halloween, I thought I would post another review from the Vaults. This time around it's a South American treat with a few tricks up its sleeve, all in the form of Emilio Vieyra's exclellent 1967 film "Feast of Flesh." This is one of my earliest reviews ever, dating back to 2003. I still love this film and think it is ripe for rediscovery. It is available on Something Weird's Double Feature DVD with the uber-gory Mexican horror film, "Night of the Bloody Apes." The two were often shown theatrically back-to-back, which must have been a mind blowing combo for any lucky duck that bought a ticket. Moody B&W psychosexual art film paired with a balls out bloodbath, complete with nudity, severed eyeballs, and Mexican wrestlers. (Which I fully endorse all of these elements, by the way.)

Like most writers, it's hard to look at older works and not think about how you would do some things differently, but you have to start somewhere. It's all part of the gig.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy this article and have a hauntingly good night!

There are certain films that have all the traditional elements of an exploitation film yet somehow transcend them and transform into something completely different. Emilio Vieyra’s “Placer Sangriento” aka “Feast of Flesh” is an ideal example of this. It has all the markings of a good exploitation film; nudity, promiscuous teens, drugs, a sleazy police inspector, a man sexing up and then killing beautiful young girls while dressed in a monster mask. Hey, as far as I was concerned, it already sounded like a winner! But as I watched it, I realized that to dismiss it as another wonderfully goony exploitation film would not be fair at all.

For starters, it is a visually gorgeous film to watch. The black and white cinematography is wonderfully, especially the shots of the ocean. (In fact these shots are often so stark, that the sea almost becomes a separate character.) Black shadows are ever present throughout, adding to the weird and fitting mixture of murder and melancholy that permeates every scene of the film. The fact that even the gruesome moments of the film look elegant is a real testament to the talent that was working behind “Feast of Flesh.” Even the sunny scenes at the beach feel less frivolous and more unhealthy, which is perfect for a film like this. There is a killer on the loose and the teenagers (some of whom look like they are already well into their twenties), while aware, react by with their standard brand of airy recklessness as if they already know they are doomed. It’s not the usual immature stupidity that plagues most teen characters in horror films (or real life, for that matter.) Granted, none of them come across mature in the film, but as you soon will realize, reality is a questionable thing in this film.

Which is one of the aspects I loved about this film, is that it contains this slightly unsettling, dreamlike air. When I say “dreamlike” I don’t mean a full blood nightmare or pink-cheeked daydream either. Instead the film lies in this shadowy limbo that keeps you curious till the last frame. The music that is played throughout the film certainly enhances this. The score, composed by Victor Buchino, is lush and quite haunting, which is enhanced by the use of ethereal sounding female vocals. Parts of it reminded me of what would have happened if Martin Denny had composed the Dark Shadows theme song.

Then there is the matter of the man-monster. Naturally, the mask hides his identity until the very end of the film, when both his person and all the red herrings that were littered throughout, are revealed. Now with a film like this, where obviously a lot of hard work was spent to establish this surreal atmosphere, having a mask for the killer could make or break the overall tone. If the murderer has a goofy looking mask, it will efficiently kill any real atmosphere that has been painstakingly created. Luckily, this is not a problem in “Feast of Flesh,” since the mask is perfect. Unlike most cinematic killers-in-masks, which tend to be icy in a mechanically predatory way, both the murderer and especially his mask harbor an air of sadness around them.

This effect is a special combination of both the man and the rubber mask. The former clutches his victims (who are often willing, albeit via mind control through the haunting musical compositions) in a passionate yet desperate way. His mask resembles the long face of a lonely old man with a shock of black hair. In fact, he does not feel like the true villain of the film until the very end. If anything, the real villains of the film are the adults. You have the parents who neglect their teen children while shrugging indifferently about their strange behavior. Then you have adults, like Inspector Lauria who attempt to take advantage of them sexually. Not to mention the sheer incompetence of the Inspector and his coworkers at the police station. These men are so amazingly inept at their jobs that they end up inadvertently killing one young lady while using her as a “guinea pig” for the killer. So what do they do after that tragic event? Use another young lady as a guinea pig for the killer! To me, their ineptitude is far scarier than any sadly seductive madman.

The strange human behavior does not end with the killer and habitually inept police force in. Right from the beginning, we are greeted with some bizarre human reactions. For example, the film opens with a young couple making out on the beach at night. They see the killer drive by, dump a half nude body by the side of the road, and then speed off. Here’s a dialogue sample from that scene; “Oh he brought a chick of his own all right.” “Don’t blow your cool.” You know, if I saw someone dump a half nude body, I would probably not be up for some witty repartee unless the spirit of Oscar Wilde somehow possessed my soul that night. Yet, somehow, this does not affect the film’s power at all, since nothing in it feels like it is rooted in realism. To have realistic characters would have demanded a far grittier film that “Feast of Flesh” is.

One of things I did admire about the group of wild teens in the film is that they are very liberal, since their circle of friends includes a gay couple and a lesbian. These characters, while a wee bit stereotypical, are not used for comic relief and are not used as killer fodder. Sure, this may not seem shocking now, but given the time period of this film, it is very impressive to see (Not that film today has advanced that much in terms of non-biased portrayals of minorities.)

For some of you cult film cineastes, some of the cast and direction will look very familiar to you. There’s a very good reason for this, since Vieyra went on to direct “The Curious Dr. Humpp” and two of the main actors, Gloria Pratt (who plays the sexy and naïve “Beba” in this film) and Ricardo Bauleo (who plays the handsome pianist, Silvio), where in both “FoF” and “Curious Dr. Humpp.” Both films even shared the same producer, Orestes Trucco. (Bizarrely enough, Trucco went on to direct the 1982 film “Una Aventura llamada Menudo,” a film about the monstrously huge Puerto Rican boy band, Menudo.)

“Feast of Flesh” is a film that will surprise you with its beauty, darkness, and otherworldly view of reality. If you are up for a strange film that is both arty and a little sleazy, then you must definitely give this film a chance.

+

This film impressed me so much, that I incorporated clips from it in my very first video collage art piece, entitled "The Eternal Sea." With this video I got to achieve my dream of merging key scenes from the film with Martin Denny's beautiful and haunting song of the same name. Much thanks to my brother from another mother Mark Warren for posting this for me.